Are single mothers to blame for their predicament?

In another Q a woman left a remark along the lines that she is sick of single Mums complaining how hard done by they are when women like her just chose better partners - her point was, fundamentally that single Mum's should have chosen a better partner.





I found this amusing as personally I would not generalise - some single Mum's have been widowed, cheated on, abandoned, victims of domestic violence and so on.. not only that but just because someone HAS a partner does not mean that he is supportive etc





What are the YA thoughts on this? Is this a common view?

Are single mothers to blame for their predicament?
I agree partially with the opinion. Women need to understand that we are the ones left holding the bag if we make a mistake. I've noticed a HUGE upward trend in women participating in what I'd call very risky behavior (that's the nice way of saying it). Then blame everyone else for their bad choices. If more women looked past the "hot guy" and searched his soul, they'd find they made better decisions.
Reply:No not all single mothers are to blame for their situations.
Reply:I'm with you on this one me love. Not all of us are as lucky as she is. Some of us have three kids with someone, love them, give them everything you have...and then one day you come home and you find out that your partner has been sleeping with prositutes behind your back and has chlamydia. Thats what happened to my friend anyway. She was with him for 14 years and EVERYBODY thought he was decent fella.


She came home early one day and caught him in their kitchen...so you're right. Not her fault, and no, one should never generalize. Find me this woman and I'd give her a piece of my mind.


People like her only understand something if it happens to them...I hope it never does personally.
Reply:Teenage single mothers should not have removed any item of clothing until she knew that her associate had taken the appropriate precautions.
Reply:The woman who made that comment was obviously ignorant and naive.





Sure some of us make bad choices with men. But where is the man's accountability in this. We cannot control what kind of people our potential partners are going to turn out to be. When you meet a man he doesn't usually come out and say "let's get married so I can cheat on you, beat you and act like a general a$$."





A woman who chooses to not accept foul play or mistreatment is setting a much better example for her children by having enough self respect to walk away from an abusive relationship. By staying in it, she is condemning her children to a future of finding abusive spouses themselves.





Since men don't come with a background check tattooed on their foreheads it is really hit or miss. In reality, not La-La land where this woman is obviously from, life is not always peaches and cream and not so blatantly obvious. And even if the choice was bad in the beginning, not rectifying it by staying with someone who is no good is neither a "good" choice.





Bottom line, sometimes people aren't who they say they are and we are faced with choices.





it sounds to me like the woman who made this comment, lives in a bad relationship herself and has a bit of jealousy towards strong women who pick up the pieces and take control of their lives.
Reply:I didn't realise just how bad my ex was until I was already pregnant. If I'd known, I'd never have had a child with him! I always supported my own child as well.





It's not always the mother to blame. There's a lot of worthless fathers out there!
Reply:That woman is just ignorant. Just wait....her view will change when she becomes a single mom!!
Reply:I think it depends on the circumstances but yes some are to blame. I think that education is severely lacking in some families as to the "facts of life" and when very young girls become pregnant it's because they feel peer pressured into it because they think "everyone else is doing it". There is not enough information for these girls on contraception or the emergency contraception should these methods fail. I totally think that you're not ready to make love without contraception if you can't handle the outcomes of it. Some people just think "oh it won't happen to me".





Obviously there are married women who have babies and then their partners cheat on them who end up alone and it is not their fault. I think a lot of it comes down to men and their attitude towards responsibility. People blame women for single mums but I think that a lot of the responsibility has to fall at the men's door too - after all it takes 2 to make a baby in the first place. Some men just find the grown up situation they find themselves in too hard to handle and it is easy for them to walk away as they are not left holding the baby. Having a baby is hard work and I think that some people think it will be all cute cots and buying babygroes from Gap but the reality is that it totally changes your body, and you as a person forever.
Reply:I think blaming single mother for being a single mother, is way too much of a generalization.





My father died when my youngest brother was still a kid...my mother raised him alone. Not her choice.





My ex husband...well, we married and had children, I married for love...we had children because we were committed to each other and wanted a family. HE changed it...felt that a girlfriend AND a wife was the way to go.





After doing everything I could do to save my marriage, I felt it more important to value myself and my children and we got divorced.





It was devastating and by far one of the hardest things I have ever gone through. My children are happy, I found the true love of my life and live the best life I could ever have imagined.





I didn't put myself in the position to become a single parent, but I was far better off being a single parent than staying married to someone who didn't value me or his children by choosing to throw it wayside.





Being a single mom is by far one of the hardest experiences of my life, but it led me to right where I was supposed to be!
Reply:Well lets get one thing straight, there is a difference between a single mom and a divorced mom.





Single mom: someone who didn't bother to get married to the guy they made a child with.





Divorced mom: someone who divorced their partner for what ever reason.





Yes i do agree that single mom should choose better partners and marry that partner before making kids with them. It's your choice to lay down in that bed and spread your legs and get knocked up. You have control over your body. You have the choice to use the female condom, the pill, the shot, and explain very clearly to your partner that if they wont use a condom then there is no sex, PERIOD!





Yet women continue to not take these measures to prevent pregnancy, then whine they have it so hard.





AS far as divorced moms. They in some cases can choose better as well. People dont just flip out on you one day. There are little red flags that pop up.





Cheating for example: He seems uncomfortable when he's on the phone with who he says is someone from work. He goes to another room to talk on the phone, his attitude toward sex with you changes becomes less important, on the computer screen windows disappare when you walk in the room. The saying out late to finish work at the office. Smells different but you can't figure out why, showers when he comes home from work.





Domestic Violence example: When you fight, you fight in circles of arguements, you argue about the color of the sky, move on to something else and in 10 minutes your back to argueing about the color of the sky. You can see he is physically angry, he punches inadiment objects, Screams at you for no apparent reason and then profusely appologizes, He gets right in your face screaming at you, he threatens to hit you, That if you dont shut up he's gonna make you shut up.





Abandoned examples: constant threats of leaving, has said if you do this i'm gonna leave. ( though this one you really can't always tell ).





But as you can see there are signs of a bad relationship and sometimes these people who are in these relationships have children in the thought of making the marriage or relationship better. So they add a child. So yes they can make a better choice.





The only one that gets a out on this is a widowed person. You never know when your time is up here on this earth.
Reply:That's like being able to predict the future.....


Oh it would be great to look at someone and say.."nope...I'm not going to be his partner cause he's going to die young"


.....or "He's going to cheat on me"


Life is never that simple and you can never tell were life will take you in the future.


This woman sounds ridiculous to say that single women are some what to blame.
Reply:As with most things the circumstances differ - i don't think all single mothers are to blame. Also - what about single fathers - are they to blame too?
Reply:As a child of a single mother, I find this claim unfounded, I mean things happen. My mother got married at the age of 19, had her first daughter a year later, was divorced eight years later because her first husband was cheating on her and keeping his mistress in HER house.





With her second daughter 18 years later (me) she got married when I was five, divorced when I was nine because my dad constantly left for 3-4 weeks at a time when they had any kind of argument and cheated on her. So she was cheated on and abandoned. I think it was better for her to divorce then to stay with men like that.





Was it hard? Yeah of course it was especially when she developed a chronic, debilitating disease and I had to take care of her, because my dad wouldn't and couldn't deal with taking care of her. Things happen and people misjudge the characters of others, and some people are just mean people.
Reply:i think that they are not always to blame for their predicament. there are many things that could have made them single mothers.
Reply:it always takes two people to build or take down a relationship.





It's never one persons fault.





However there are many single moms that are bitter and resentful of the fact that their x husbands have moved on and will do whatever they can to keep that from happening right down to using the their own children to control and manipulate..... those are the single moms that give the decent ones a bad rap. An yes, those are the ones that are to blame for their own predicaments.... it is possible to raise your children alone, I did it. Other Single Mom's can do it too.
Reply:Almost every single mother I know is in the spot she's in because of bad choices she made. I only know two women who are in that position because of outside circumstances - they were widowed. Most I know are there because they were stupid and didn't make their partner wear a condom or they got pregnant on purpose to get a commitment. Why would a victim of a cheater or domestic violence have children with their abuser? That's a bad choice. Also, I think the other woman's point might have been why should single mother's get more government assistance? Why should I have to pay for their bad choices? You chose to have a child and now I'm stuck paying for said child.
Reply:I agree that you can't generalize about all single mothers. Some of them are in that situation because the child's father died, or the relationship just didn't work out, or the guy was a jerk, etc.





However, I do wish people would use birth control until they are 100% sure that they WANT to have a baby (and their life is in a good place for that - i.e., finished with school, have a job, have health insurance, etc.)





I think the world would be a better place if infertility was the default condition, and everybody had to go to a doctor and have a procedure if they wanted to get pregnant.
Reply:some single mothers are better managers than others and therefore do not complain - some single mothers amongst many other "types" just like to complain





we are a rich tapestry of life where some do better at some things than others and it is here that those who do better could be more magnanimous but perhaps this is where they do not do so well
Reply:Single moms do have it hard, not all of them thought they were going to be single.





My husbands ex, is on going on her 2nd Divorce, and she just had a 3rd child by a 3rd man. I believe that she chose the predicament that is in. She thinks nothing is her fault. We call it, " If xxxxx thinks the sky is brown, the sky is brown" She married at 19 pregnant (only knowing my husband for 3 months) around the same time, thought divorce was the only option after the child was about 9 months. She had her 2nd child about 4 years later, left that guy after the child was about 1 years old. Lost custody of her oldest because she was too concerned about herself. She is not going on her 2nd divorce and the child is only 2 months old. And she thinks it is Everyone else's fault that she is where she is at.. I believe that she put herself in this predicament.
Reply:i think you have to ignore the common view sometimes. the facts are often very different.





my single mum raised me fantastically well despite no money. She gave me good manners, good personal management skills, taught me to think for myself and lots of love and I am a success now who can give back to her for all her years of stress and poverty. she never went on a benefit instead working her finger to the bone in a factory to provide for us. she got pregnant at 19 to an older man who was an abusive alcholic. she is very intelligent but the man was very clever and older and hid his true self very well until down the track. I'm sure my smart, strong, incredible mother would roll her eyes at such thinking, as do I. There are lots of trolls on here. There are many strong, smart women out there raising there own kids, working and doing a better job than some couples. there are no formulas in life for this
Reply:sometimes i do wonder about women's choices in husbands and fathers for their children. sometimes i feel women must think their life is incomplete without a man, so they will take just about anyone, and get married at the drop of the hat, instead of taking 1-2 years, or more to actually get to know the man.





while it's true people don't even get to know each other well, anymore, NO ONE deserves to be abused or mistreated. And i DO NOT feel single mothers should be looked down upon.





i'm sure that, many who have selected rotten partners and husbands have learned a valuable lesson. we are not perfect, and don't always use the best judgment. i have made MANY mistakes throughout my life, and that includes choices in men and fathers for my own kids (i was a single mom for a while, too).





I do not believe the woman who remarked that she's sick of single mothers' behavior is thinking straight.
Reply:Yup, I'm with you on that. Few of us CHOOSE to be or become single parents; life's just like that.





smug bu99ers like that are just lining themselves up for a nasty surprise. I've known many supposedly happy couples break up over the last few years and some of the revelations have been staggering.





I chose someone who turned out to be a rotten partner - but he's still a damned good Dad. We plod along, with the kids batting back and forth between us. Confuses everyone else, but it works for us. Actually, you'll very rarely "hear" me complain about being a lone parent, just about the assumptions others make based on no knowledge of us as a family.
Reply:Single mothers should not be blamed for their predicament.





In life there is always a reason why something should be like it is.





The mystery is to find out what it is.





Once it is discovered, it will make a lot of sense.





It will explain its role in ones life.
Reply:No, I don't think the single mother's are to blame. My dad got killed in a car crash, and my mom was widoed, she didn't choose this, she was happily married, and is now a mother of two and she is a single mother.





So no, it is not their fault, I agree with you totally.
Reply:Not all but sadly a good number of them are. These girls are the ones that had unprotected sex and there is no excuse now a days for that free condoms in the doctors and clinics loos there for the taking. If you are not in a stable relationship then birth control should always be practised to avoid pregnancy and disease
Reply:Sometimes it is the womans fault. If she got with a married man, cheated on her husband then ended up alone, got together with someone she knew had a history of cheating/abuse then left, or had a one night stand without being careful, then yes, she made her own bed and it is her fault.





If the woman got pregnant and her boyfriend bailed because he was not ready, if the boyfriend/husband died unexpectedly, if the man decided he wants to start beating on his woman and she leaves, or if the man cheats on her, it's not her fault and she did the right thing. Single moms have it hard as it is, so either way they got there they still shouldn't be looked down on. It takes a LOT to raise kids, especially by yourself.
Reply:I am a single mum and if she said that to my face her partner would be a single dad because I would throttle her. I bet she wont have a partner for long with that attitude. I am not the kind of person who just goes out and gets a partner just to say she has one I bet she is though. I have plenty of people who I know would like to help bring my son up but he is quite fine thankyou and I have male friends (special ones) and when I meet someone I dont just want to settle for then I shall consider him being my partner.
Reply:That some do, but most don't, as you said widowed, partners left often on being told of a baby on the way, irresponsible men, women who have been physically and mentally abused, left looking after children. One shouldn't generalise
Reply:OMG I cant believe that woman said that. You cant tar everyone with the same brush. Obviously, there are some single moms who have put themselves in that position and that is fine as long as they dont moan about it, I do think though that they are in the minority. Most single moms though arent in that predicament through choice!! Ok some of them might have a bad choice in men, but that isnt any reason to stereotype them is it?
Reply:Yes...there are many reasons for some women's predicament...but in a way it surprises me that so many women sleep with men unprotected when the men are obviously wasters...you read lots of Qs from women, talking about how their boyfriend drinks, or does drugs or doesn't work...and then they go and get pregnant...maybe girls should be taught in school which men to avoid!
Reply:Ridiculous point from that women, what about all the couples who get divorced when they get retired? maybe they should have chosen better partners who they'd actually like to spend time with then I suppose? things change, thats life, you just have to pick up the pieces and get on with life as best you can!