I have been a single dad for 3 years. My now 11 year old daughter is the only child in her grade from a single family home. She has been on me all year about how we need a step mom. I work a lot, commute a ways and still am no where near ready to date seriously. What is a good way to make her feel like being from a single parent home does not make her a freak. When in her school it does make her different.
Does a single parent have a duty to meet a new mate?
Are you lonely? Does your daughter think that you are lonely?
In these times, it is hardly unusual to be a singe-parent. I find it difficult to believe that your daughter feeling she is different is the issue.
I believe that children are very perceptive of our issues. It may be that your daughter worries about you being lonely. She may be trying to fix a problem that she sees but you do not actually acknowledge or believe.
Oh yes, if she is looking for a mother-figure, then Big Sisters is a good option or perhaps another mentorship program.
Reply:Ahhh, this is a hard one. I grew up in a single parent home back in 70's and 80's when it was much more unusual and I know how she feels. I am going through it now raising my children by myself as well. In my area though it is much more common, unfortunately. i think the best thing you can do is talk honestly with her. She is old enough to understand alot. the important thing is to let her know that you understand what she is going through and you are there for her. As for yourself, you need to make the time. Things aren't going to happen if you are working all of the time. Maybe she just wants to see you happy as well. i hope things work out for both of you.
Reply:When you are pressured into finding a mate...it doesnt always end up well...not trying to be a pessimist, but you need to date and find someone to share your life with, in your own time.
Just make sure you spend time with her, and make sure that she knows you love her. Is there an aunt, or female friend that would be able to step in and help with all the female events that are going to be happening in the next few years? Someone to talk to her about classy clothes, and boys and all tha exciting stuff that dads sont want to think of...
Shell be wanting clothes and hair and nails and all that good stuff..you need to find a classy woman, that can show her what is acceptable, etc....
hope things go well!!!
Reply:Yeah she probably just want someone else in the family to be close too...just tell her time will see...if you are not ready to date then dont...you dont just want to pick anyone that seems to meet your now requirement when you really havent had time to think about them....say she is special not different.
Reply:No, you don't have a duty to do so. If you meet a woman who fills your emotional needs and is a good step-mom for your daughter, wonderful! Don't close off your options. But it would be a serious mistake to go out to find a woman just so your daughter has a step-mother, it could end with alot of heartache for all of you and be far worse than no step-mom.
It's likely she's seeking another female to discuss her impending (or underway) change from girlhood to womanhood, there's alot a girl just can't talk to her dad about. Try getting her involved with something like Big Sisters, where volunteers mentor children who lack a same-sex parent in the household. A "Big Sister" can help with fashion, menstruation, social pressures, and can stand-in for the absent mom at school events where a mom is expected to attend.
Reply:My mom dated maybe once or twice out of the 24 years she has been a single mm. I honestly don't think it is your duty to find a new mate. I believe that when you are ready then it will be time to but if it is because your daughter wants to have a step mom recurite her aunts grandparents etc..to make her feel I guess "better' about having only one parent. I never felt as if I "needed" to have a step father because I had sooo much support from my family memebers that that little thing of Not having my father around never bothered me especially when i was in school.
Reply:Wow that school is definetly the abnormal as a teacher I work in schools where it is more like 50% and higher are from broken homes.
There are heaps of books out there about single parent, and mixed families try to find some at your local library, try to get some out to read with your daughter. But she is probably too old for this so why not sit down and have a chat with her and explain your feelings.
Date when your ready.
Reply:Absolutely not. If you're not ready to date, then you shouldn't. You wouldn't do anyone any favors by rushing into a relationship for the wrong reasons. You, your daughter, and your potential partner would all get hurt by the wrong match. I was single for ~10 years with 3 small children. My youngest daughter also thought she was the only single parent child in her class, but in reality there were several. I dated on and off when my kids were with their dad, and was in a relationship for almost 4 years. However, I didn't find the right person until I was ready too (not the same person I dated for 4 years). I was happy spending time with my friends because that's what I needed. When I finally remarried after almost 10 years, it was right for all of us. I was ready and my kids' didn't feel threatened because they were always my priority. My kids were 9, 11 and 13 when I remarried. I'm not saying you should put it off until your daughter is grown, but spend your time with her while she's young. It sounds like that's what she's looking for...attention. I love the idea of aunts or other close family (not girlfriends) spending time with her too for female attention. I did that with my son, and it helped a lot. Good luck.
Reply:Wow. Well you can't date just for her, that's for sure. She may be too old for "Love Is a Family" but it's a book I read to my daughter about different kinds of families. In our area, there is not only a Big Brother program, but a Big Sister program as well - that may be something worth looking into, if she feels that she's missing a female adult in her life.
Beyond that, though, all you can do is the best that you're already doing, to provide for and love her, and let her know how wonderful she is just the way she is, no matter how many people live at home.
Reply:Give her all, and I mean ALL the love you can. Those smart little gals may even be able to find the perfect step mom. She hears a lot at school. She sees a lot on TV. She is telling you that she is in need. For yourself take your time.
Reply:Sign her up for Big Sisters, it is a organization where women befriend girls. It will give her some women time to talk about women things with someone older than her. I started to sign up once but the training wasn't convenient. It would be fun for a woman like me to have a girl to bake cookies with and do other mother daughter things even if I don't have a child. Someone like me could help her understand what is normal more than even the best dad could. A aunt or grandmother could fill some of the same needs in a girl.
Reply:you should date when you are ready not when your daughter is ready for you to date. Its really werid that she is the only person in her class that is from a single family home. With today's time of divorces etc. Maybe she is more worried about the issue of her becoming a lady and growing up and needing someone to talk to other than you. You many want to find someone like an aunt or someone that she can talk with about such things.
Reply:I'm a single mom and recently my daughter has decided I need to get married, and it's like every time she sees a guy she likes she asks "can he be the daddy?" I keep telling her she has to wait.
Looking for someone simply to please your daughter can end up more damaging. Because you're more likely to be looking just for a mom and find yourself unhappy later down the line. There are a lot of programs in the neighborhood though that she can get involved in... like Girl Scouts, where she will meet other kids in her situation, and have female adults who can talk to her about the "growing up female" stuff.
Feel free to contact me for more program information.
Good luck!
Reply:Hi There,
I was raised by a single Mother in the 60's and 70's. I was the only child in grade school from a "broken" home other than one other girl whose father had passed away, (but that was acceptable). I will never forget some ( a few) parents did not want their daughter to play with me and I was not allowed at some family's homes because I did not have a dad and my mom was divorced. I was shy, always well mannered, soft spoken, never got into trouble etc. Oh, we also lived in an apt. not in a house. I don't know what bothered me more not having a real family like a my friends or not living in a real house. My mother was verbally and emotionally abusive to me on a daily basis, right through adulthood. I am now a single Mom and have been divorced for 15 years, raising my son alone. I actually had many opportunities to re-marry, but chose not to. I did not want anyone to treat my son any less loving and with the utmost respect because it wasn't their one biological child . I saw it happening many times right before my eyes. I also did not want to have any more children because I did not want to ever be raising multiple children alone. There is never a guarantee that anyone is ever going to stick around for death until you part. If I am meant to remarry some day that so be it. I am 46 and still turning the heads of 30 year olds. I know that financially our life would have been a llot less stressfull, but I cannot say that my son would be the mature, well mannered, good self esteem yet humble, all around great 16 year old. We have a very strong bond. Perhaps try to get in touch with your feminine side just a little. Befriend platonically a female that just might take a genuine interest in your daughter, with no ulterior motives on her end. Try the big brother/ big sister program in your city or town. Bottom line she might think that having a step mom is all rosey and good times, (it could also end up being a nightmare for you and her) and she will fit in with her peers, or on the flip side she just might be looking after you thinking that you would be so much happier with a mate. The grass always seems greener on the other side. Stay grounded and let things happen at Gods will, I have and still have not given up hope. I hope things work out for the best for you and your daughter. It is not your duty at all. Your duty is to make sure she grows up well adjusted, mature, respectful, and sees the big picture of what could be and what reallity is. My son has friends that are of single parents and bustling busy fun big family's he has seen my struggle and be so lonley for 15 years. He also know I am very picky and selective it is not just who I fancy it has to be someone that will treat him like I do or close to it...that is a rare find. It is perfectly okay for you to never get married. Have you seen the statistics, I am so curious to know where in this world you live for your daughter to be the only one in 2007 that is from a single parent home.
I feel for you and your daughter.Ask her what is her strong motive for wanting a step mom. Perhaps a peer or parent has made comments, that you need to nip in the bud. I never let on to my mom. I did make some great friends though too. Always cheerleading, gymnastics, dance class. Maybe you should move to a bigger city where the "norm" is being from a single parent home. It can be really great too there is a huge upside to this situation! Write me for more My son always said "maybe you should marry him mommy" about any guy that let me go ahead out in traffic, the newspaper delivery boy who was well spoken and polite and good looking, he was desperate to see me married as he has grown older he is much more protective and guarded of me he knows the ways of the world now ( a little probably more than I want to admit)If you have a great loving caring funloving relationship with your daughter I bet by the time she is 16 she will not want you to remarry at all, things change. They did for my son. He never mentions me dating let alone re-marrying at all. I hope this is of great help to you both.
If you or your daughter would like any more advice, please email me at ...smbc20970@yahoo.com
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